I will always love you
by SopheRawr
Summary: (CURRENTLY ON HIATUS; I AM WORKING ON : s/9222686/1/The-Poetry-sindrome-I-can-be-your-hero ) When Phil comes back from a short vacation, his whole world is torn apart. Will Dan be able to bring Phil back? Brace yourselves for a story full of tears, love, drama, angst, unexpected journeys and kisses in the rain.
1. Chapter 1 - Pilot

"Another one" I said to the barista. It was around 1 am and I was the only one in the bar. Sometimes I liked to drink until I passed out. This was one of that kind of nights.

"Sir, don't you think is enough for today?" she asked. The girl was around my age. She had black long hair and dark eyes.

"It'll be enough when I'll be passed out on the counter" I answered. She stared at me for a moment, then poured me another shot of vodka. The way my throat was stinging and my blood felt so hot was a fantastic feeling, but I was so tired of being there, every night, since he was gone. His presence still lingered in my heart, and it won't leave me alone. His face still haunted my once pleasant dreams and his voice chased away all the sanity in me. When he left I felt like my world was torn apart. Every emotion, every feeling that I once had, turned into alcohol. He used to be all that I had, all my happiness. I felt tears streaming down my face. I was broken. Too tired to control myself, I bursted into tears, crying my heart out.

"Phil…Phil…" I heard myself whispering. My head was hurting, my heart too. I wished all of this never happened. I wished everything would turn back to normal.

"Sir, are you okay? Should I call a taxi?" I heard the barista say.

"No…no, it's okay, I'll walk". I threw some money on the counter and left the bar. My head was spinning and the cold air of autumn was making it even worse. The trees looked like some kind of hands, reaching for me with their black, long fingers. I was suppressed by all my childish fears, and I wanted someone to protect me. Protect me from all the coldness and badness of the world. I once had someone like that…but I was stupid enough to lose him. I guess I'll wander until the end of time, torn away from him.

I finally got to the apartment. All the memories were running around in my mind, making me go insane. I opened the door to his bedroom and threw myself in his bed. His scent was still there. I inhaled the smell of lily, crying as I remembered about his big blue eyes. His ocean like eyes. I got lost every time I looked into them. I wished he was right here, beside me, looking at me with his pure eyes.

Why did he have to leave?

Sleep was slowing taking me away. I snuggled into his pillow, which was soaked with my tears, dreaming about him, about how much I was loving him.


	2. Chapter 2

Phil's POV:

Hey guys! Sorry it took so long to update, but I was waiting for some reviews and stuff…so yeah, here's chapter 2! Sorry it's so short…It's a little sad even for me...this story, so yeah…anyway, enjoy!

"Dan, I'm home!" I shouted while I was taking of my Vans after a long holyday at my parent's house. I yawned, kinda surprised that I didn't hear a sarcastic answer or even a simple hello. I searched the flats' living room for Dan, but it was empty. I heard some strange moaning coming from his bedroom.

"Dan…?" I asked once again. My heart started to beat really fast as I approached my hand to his bedroom door. I knocked slowly, and pushed the door a little bit.

Dan was in bed with a girl. They were embracing each other and kissing nervously. In that moment my heart was broken into a million tiny pieces. Just the sight of another person caressing his hair and kissing him, looking into his eyes while making love, made my heart sting, and hurt, like I was having a heart attack. In this one week I was away he forgot me. Do I really mean so little to him? He said he loved me. He lied. He lied. I didn't want anyone else to have him. He raised his head, looking at me. His face looked terrified and the look in his eyes was surprised.

"Phil…no, no, it's not what you think!" he shouted while getting out of bed, wrapping a sheet around his small waist. The girl looked surprised too. Dan reached for my arm but I ran away. Hot tears were pouring all over my face.

My heart has never felt like this before. So ruined. I picked up my backpack and my shoes and ran to the elevator. When I got inside it, I pushed the "close doors" button a thousand times, just to close them before he could get here. As they were closing, I saw his face in front of them, his hand reaching for me… But it was too late. "Phil!" I heard him say before we were separated by the big metallic door. I slowly fell down on the cold floor, crying my eyes out. "Phil…Phil…I'm so sorry, so sorry, please forgive me" I heard him whisper from outside the elevator, his beautiful voice resonating all over the ascensor. I felt my hand shaking as I built up courage and finally pressed the "lobby" button.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys! So, I finally wrote another chapter. I'll try to write one every week, because I have school, a lot of homework and so little time. Enjoy!

Thank you for the reviews and follows 3 !

Phil time:

I had nowhere to go. I left my wallet at the apartment, so I didn't have any money for a bus ticket or anything that could get me away from London. I felt like this city was doomed, dragging me into its depths of hell, not letting me leave. And the devil was Dan, stinging me with his trident of fire in the heart. His beautiful Bambi eyes were haunting me, making the horizon darken as I stumbled across a sea of tears.

My phone was ringing, but I didn't have the courage to answer it. I was too much of a coward now, too scared to get my heart broken again. I was walking on the streets of London, with no direction in my head. Hateful and vengeful thoughts started to build inside my bewildered brain. I wanted to hurt Dan like he hurt me. I wanted to trap his heart inside a cage of sorrow and let it starve for love just like a miserable and unwanted dog. My dark side took over the control, so at the next call I finally picked up.

Silence.

The only thing I could hear over the loud noises of the city was the pulsating static of the phone.

"Phil…?" I finally heard, his devastated voice making its way into my ears.

"What the fuck do you want?" I answered with fury.

"I'm sorry…please, let me ex-"

"NO!" I interrupted him. "No! You let me explain, you disgusting human…Why did you do this? Why Dan? Am I not enough for you? Do you know how hurt and unloved I feel right now? Do you? No you don't, you never cared about this, never cared about me, just about you. Do I really mean so little to you?" I could hear quiet sobs coming from the other end of the phone. I didn't care. I wanted to crush him like he crushed me. "You are the most pathetic and worthless person I could've ever met. I hate you so much I can't even describe it." I started crying too, unable to control my baffled emotions.

"Phi-" I closed the phone just in time. I didn't want to hear his voice anymore. It was enough that he was the reason for all the horror inside me. As I cried leaning on a brown buildings' wall, I felt a hand touch my shoulder. Besides me stood an old lady, looking at me with her hazelnut eyes.

"Don't worry, young boy. She will come back. She loves you." She said, smiling. "Now, stop crying and brighten up those weak and sunken eyes of yours." She leaved before I could think of anything to say. I watched her little body as it walked into the orange sunset, feeling a little encouraged, but not enough to make me go back to him.

I was still walking as the buildings of London started to melt into the night. I wrapped the checkered hoodie tighter around my body, wishing to keep away the coldness of November. I was tired. A motel was right in front of me. I entered its small and pale green lobby, ringing a little bell that was glued to a black desk. A lady in her mid-age suddenly appeared from around the corner.

"How can I help you sir?" she asked with a mild accent unknown to me.

"I'd like a room, for a week or two". I answered.

"Sure, come after me please". The lady said as she guided me to some metallic stairs. We entered a white room. The bed is a lot smaller than me, so I think I'll have some trouble sleeping. A black, old TV was placed in front of the bed. And that was it. It had a bathroom however.

"Thank you." I said, faking a smile.

"Enjoy your stay" She answered me as she leaved, closing the wooden door behind her. I sighted and made my way to the bathroom. The shower didn't look very inviting. And so it wasn't. Ice cold water poured over me like a waterfall of furious icicles, making me cringe, but waking me up. It was unpleasant but acceptable.

Over a week passed by and I got no more than zero calls from Dan. The only time that I got out from the Motels' room was when I was hungry; otherwise I stared at the cracked ceiling, lying in the uncomfortable bed.

It was nearly 1 a.m. when I got a text.

_Sent from: Dan Howell_

_To: Me_

_Date: 1/17/13; 12:57 a.m._

_Text:_

_Phil, please help me. Please, I am so scared. _

I never got up from the bed so fast.


	4. Chapter 4

I was running on the wet streets of London with my heart threatening to rip my chest apart. I was so horrified at the thoughts that ran through my mind that I could barely breathe. Deciding that I should call Dan, I took a short brake.

He wasn't answering.

"We're sorry but the person you tried to contact-"

I called again and again. He wasn't answering. Again. Why doesn't he answer?

_Dan, why are you doing this to me?_

I resumed my running to his flat. I tried to run faster and faster, thinking that every second I wasted increased the chance to lose him. But he was strong; he could wait a little longer. My body was exhausted and I was slower and slower. But I had hope. His apartment was right there, in front of me. I searched my pockets for the spare keys, but they were not there. My torso started to sting as I decided to climb the emergency stairs into the building. All the doors were locked so I climbed on to the rooftop.

The rooftop's door was also locked.

"Fuck!" I screamed as I broke it open. It fell apart, making a lot of noise. I went down some small metallic stairs until I reached the elevator.

"Come on, come on!" I shouted, pressing the button to Dan's floor frantically.

The door to his apartment was wide open and a tiny note was stuck on it. The hateful words written in black were the worst thing I could've ever read in my life.

"_Kill yourself, kill yourself. Cut your arms, cut your throat. You're nothing, you're useless and you're scum. Nobody likes you, nobody wants you .You are ugly, pathetic and unwanted. Do the world a favor, Dan, and take a bottle of sleeping pills, take them down with a bottle of gin. Give up. You know you can't do it. You're going to fail, so just stop trying. Nobody loves you, nobody ever will. Go on, have another slug from that bottle. Take another pill_."

My sight became black and I thought I was fainting. Why would someone write this to Dan? The living room was destroyed. The couch was upside down, the TV and our gaming platforms were broken and the coffee table too. I slowly stepped in, searching the room for Dan. He was not there. I followed the hallway to his bedroom. As I slowly pushed open the door, I felt my heart cringe.

There he was. He was curled up in a corner, crying, cutting his arm with a shiny metal razor, blood streaming in a perfectly crimson dotted line. I ran and fell on my knees in front of him. He looked at me with his crushed and sorrowful eyes as I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him to my chest. He clung to my shirt, leaving scarlet spots on it.

"I thought you'd never come, I thought I'd never see you anymore."

He whispered with scattered breath, looking me in the eyes, his face getting closer to mine. I felt his heart so close, beating in unison with mine and carving for love. His pink lips were slightly open, tempting me with their desire. I slowly raised his chin, my pale long fingers caressing his soft cheek.

I kissed his rosy lips, feeling the taste of whiskey on his breath.

"Have you been drinking, love?" I asked him through our kisses.

"Every day since you've been gone" he answered.

He wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling me closer, biting my lips.

"I see you've missed me."

"More than you could ever imagine. I'm so sorry, so, so sorry, Phil. I remember thinking that I had to have you back, or I'd die. I missed you so much I felt it beneath my skin, through my muscles, inside of my bones. Every night I sunk my empty soul into alcohol, trying to forget about the shit I've done, about how much I've hurt you…I don't know what I was thinking, Phil…I'm sor-"

I interrupted his words, kissing his lips again and again, running my fingers through his dark-chocolate hair. My lips were running down his jaw-lines…his neck…his collarbones. I could hear quiet moans, making me smile. I kissed his wrists, his scars.

"Why do you do this, Dan? Are you doing it for me?" I asked, licking the blood off his delicate wrists.

"Yes." He said simply. He started to shiver, and I pulled him into my embrace.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Phil."

We got up from the floor, staring a while into each other's eyes.

"Come with me" I said, as we went to the bathroom. I searched into the white cabinets for some bandages.

"There they are. Sit down." I said as I pointed to the edge of the bathtub. He nodded and followed my orders.

I looked into his eyes as I tied the bandages around his scars.

"Never do this again. I'm begging you." He nodded again, looking like he was trying to hold back tears.

"I promise." He whispered.

"Don't cry, I love you so much I can't stand seeing you harm yourself." I said, rubbing my thumb across his cheek, wiping away his crystal like tears. "Now, let's go to the motel, and we'll come back tomorrow to clean up this mess. You need to tell me what happened anyway."

I wrapped my fingers with his and left the apartment.

I felt his body so close to mine, warming me up.

I loved him so much it hurt.

I'm sorry this was so shitty! :'( I'll try writing better next time! Thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Dan's POV:

As we slowly walked on the streets of London, Phil held my hand tight. He was clinging to me like the last breath he would breathe. A sudden realization came to my mind. He was everything I wished for. Everything I loved. But, what pushed me to cheat on him?

"Hey…" he slowly said. "Tell me what happened, love."

Phil suddenly stopped and looked me in the eyes. His pale skin and beautiful blue eyes shined in the moon's light just like perfectly carved diamonds.

"When you left, I fell into a depression." I whispered, feeling the salty tears rushing back into my eyes. "I took pills and cut myself. I felt so miserable and devastated I wanted to end my life. I…wanted someone to love me just like you loved me, so I brought that girl home…She said she liked me, so…I did it. I made love to her just because I was so desperate. I imagined it was you…not her. I realized how little I can stand without you, Phil. When you caught me with her…I-I…I didn't know what to do…So I got drunk over and over again."

"Oh…Dan…I'm so sorry…" he said.

"No, you shouldn't be. I was the one who screwed everything up. The one who hurt you, it was me. One night, when I left the bar, I bunch of guys caught me and beat me up. They said I looked so pathetic I needed a lesson. I guess they were right. Today they broke into our flat, and left me that message. When I read it, I felt like killing myself. But, I thought about you. You were my only hope. And you came back to me, after everything that I had done."

"I will always come back to you, Dan." He said, kissing me, wiping away the tears that were streaming from my eyes. He was the best thing that could ever happen to me. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, felling cold drops of rain wetting my hair and clothes. The rain fell faster and faster, as me and Phil kissed on the busy streets of London. People were passing by, rushing, trying to hide from the rain. And then there was us, enjoying the most beautiful moment of our lives.

"I love you, Dan." Phil whispered, bringing me closer to his body, holding me by the waist.

"I love you too, Phil. More than you could ever imagine."

"We should get going, you can get a cold." He said after a while, pushing me back a little, staring at me.

"I'll let you warm me up." I answered, pulling him back into my arms.

"But…I'm cold too." He said, making a puppy-face, his black bangs falling onto his face.

"Ha-ha, way too ruin the mood, jerk!" I tell, laughing and giving him a little punch in the arm.

"Oww!" he wined, faking pain. "Let's go, we can continue at my flat." He said, giving me one of his sexy winks.

"Ooh, kinky aren't we? I laughed, wrapping my fingers around his. "Let's go."

Phil's POV:

He looked so beautiful. His curly hair was hanging on his forehead and his dark, amber eyes were shining while he looked at me.

"Here it is." I said as we arrived at the motel.

"Oh poor Phil, did you really stay in this dirty dungeon because of me?" he said, grinning.

"Yes. Yes I did." I answered. "But it's worth it."

We entered the motel, and the lady that was responsible with the accommodation looked strangely at us. He raised her eyebrows as she saw us holding hands, but didn't say anything. I let that judgmental look pass, but I didn't like it. I took Dan in my room and closed the door behind us.

"So, this is it?" he questioned.

"Yep, I know it's not much, I'm sorry."

"That bed is little, I guess we will have to squeeze." He said with a little smile on his face.

"You're right." I took his face into my hands and pressed my lips against his. He answered back, kissing me with the same passion. My hands made their way on his chest, slowly going down. I unbuttoned his shirt, letting it fall on the floor. He helped me take of my shirt, and I got goosebumps as I let his hands touch my bare skin. I wrapped my hands on his waist, nibbling on his ear-lobe as he stuck his nails into my back, letting quiet moans pass his rosy lips. I pushed him against the wall, my lips going down on his body.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked through his moans.

"I always wanted to do this." I answered, kissing his hip-bones. My fingers made their way on his wet jeans, unbuttoning them.

"Wait…" he whispered.

I pulled them down as my hands rubbed his hips.

"Stop, Phil…" he said with spasmodic breath.

"Make me." I said roughly.

I raised him in my arms, and carried him to the bed. I laid him slowly on the white sheets, just like a little child. His ravished, curly hair spread on the pillow, and he looked like the most beautiful angel I've ever seen. His cheeks were red, and he looked at me with big-amber like eyes. I caressed his cheek and said:

"It's okay if you don't want to do it right now. It's fine by me. I'm happy just to have you near."

I laid next to him, pulling the blanket over us.

"Thank you…" he said. I pulled him closer to me, feeling his heart beat against my chest. As I kissed him on the forehead, he was already asleep.

"You poor thing…I love you." I whispered. I took a look at his bandaged arms and felt my heart hurt.

"It will be better, I promise."

I fell asleep with him in my arms, feeling like I could protect him from all his sorrow. Just like a guardian angel.


	6. Chapter 6

Dan's POV:

I woke up with the morning sun shining straight into my eyes. I felt two thin but strong arms holding me tight, pulling me into an embrace. His chest was slowly rising and lowering as his warm breath caressed the skin on my neck. Our legs were tangled under the white sheets. He raised his hand, drawing tiny circles on my shoulder, slowly pressing his soft lips on my neck.

-I wish I could wake up like this every morning, he said as he suddenly grabbed me, tipping me under him. He crushed his lips against mine, taking my bottom lip into his teeth, liking and biting. As he cupped my face into his hands, his tender whispers caressed my ear:

-I love you so much, so fucking much you can't even imagine it, he said with a vulnerable voice. He looked me in the eyes, the ocean blue pouring into my soul with an overwhelming love. I smiled and kissed his rosy lips.

-To the infinity…and beyond? I asked, giggling.

-Sure, baby. As long as you'll love me back.

-I will always love you. But…

-What's wrong, love?

-I'm afraid.

-Of who?

-Them. Everyone. I'm afraid of the judgmental looks, the hatred and the loath.

-Don't you ever worry about this. I will always, always protect you, he said pulling me back into an embrace, caressing my curls.

He always made me feel protected, loved, happy, but a little voice from my head said that maybe it should be my turn, my turn to make him feel happy.

-Hey, Phil, let's say…we'll go on a date today.

-A date? He asked kissing the tip of my nose. Sure! He answered enthusiastically as he pressed another kiss on my lips and got out of bed. I'm going to get ready.

-Take your time, baby.

_So yeah…Sorry it is so short, but I'm terribly busy with the nightmare called school. I thought maybe you guys can leave some ideas for a place Dan and Phil will go on their date. Either in the reviews or as a PM. _


	7. Chapter 7

Dan's POV:

-Come on Phil! It's just us; you don't need to get all fancy! I said from outside the bathroom. Is this how you treat your date?

-Wait one more second, please! He answered with an excited voice.

-Fine. I sat down on the bed, thinking where I should take him. To the amusement park? To dinner? To a movie?

I started walking around the motel's room with my mind filled with puzzled thoughts. It was a little too cold outside for the amusement park. The dinner seemed to cliché and the movie too. "Oh! Oh! I remember now!"

-Phil! I shouted, come already!

-Sorry, sorry. The bathroom door opened, and I literally felt how my heart skipped a beat. His black bangs were softly hanging over his forehead, as always. But there was something special today. Maybe the way his eyes were sparkling just like a little child's. So beautiful and so attractive. He wore his usual black skinny jeans, with a turquoise shirt.

-Why does it always take you an hour to shower?

-I don't know…I'm sorry…he said, looking a little tense.

-Hey…I was just joking. Come now; take a warm jacket, its cold outside.

-Alright.

* * *

I took his hand and guided him to a place I recently discovered. His pale, long, girly fingers were warm, even though it was the 2nd of December. His cheeks looked like the petals of a rose, and his blue eyes were icy but lovable. He was perfect.

He had a cheeky smile when I squeezed his hand tighter as we passed a large group of people.

-Don't worry. I'm here, he whispered.

My heart fell straight to the bottom of my feet. I was so in love with this boy. This was the first time I really felt like I belonged to someone; with someone. He was mine and I was his.

-I love you, I said as I caressed his hand with my thumb.

* * *

-Where is it? He asked with a faked tired voice.

-Just a little more, Phil. It's worth it, trust me.

I guided him to the most beautiful garden in London. It was unfortunately closed today, so we had to trespass. I approached the long, spiky fences and climbed up, making a loud "Buff" when I landed on the other side.

-Come on Phil, jump, I said as I indicated that I would catch him if he fell.

-Are you sure this is safe, Dan? He asked shyly, a little spark of fear lighting his eyes up.

-Of course, come now, love. It's beautiful here.

I watched as he climbed up the black fence, hopeful that he wouldn't slip, like the clumsy boy he was. He landed on his knees and arms, and fortunately didn't hurt himself. I helped him get up, and took his hand back into mine.

It was indeed beautiful. And the fact that I was with him made it even better. We were sat under a weeping willow that softly brushed it's leafs on a glossy lake. It was so quiet and so peaceful I could only hear my pulse beating fast inside my ears. I guess I was bright red as Phil glanced at me, scooting himself closer to me.

-Why are you so unsettled, Dan? What's wrong?

-I guess…It's the first date emotions.

His girly laugh could be heard in the entire botanical garden.

-You are the most adorable thing in the whole world, Dan, he said as he cupped my cheeks into his hands and gazed into my eyes. I was so nervous. I felt like he was going to kiss me for the first time. And it was true, I really felt like that. As he approached his lips closer to mine, all I could feel were the butterflies ready to explode inside my stomach and his cold breath on my mouth. The moment he pressed his lips onto mine, all I could taste was the hot chocolate with a little cinnamon we drank earlier together in the motel's kitchen. The moment I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me closer into his arms, I felt something icy melting on my hand. He pulled back a little and stared at me.

-Did you feel that too? He asked with a confused voice.

-Yes. It's snowing for the first time, I answered, giggling at the sight of a little snowflake melting on his nose.

-Woah! He exclaimed like a little child. I love snow!

-Well now, we should take little walk. He helped me get up, wrapping his fingers around mine.

We took a paved way that was surrounded by grand Oaks, watching as the fragile, little snowflakes fell slowly from the leaden sky. The snow already formed a soft blanket over the misty-green leafs of the trees.

-Dan?

-Yes, Phil?

-How do you feel? He asked me, as he raised my bandaged arms with an ethereal sadness, maybe angriness in his voice.

-Better than ever! I forced myself to sound happy, halcyon. Seeing my scars brought back all the memories, the hurt.

-Come here, you little liar, he said, holding me close to his chest, planting a little kiss on the white bandages.

Maybe I fell asleep standing up as he held me so close, because suddenly the rhythm of his heart turned into a beautiful rhapsody, and the way he said my name: "Dan, Dan…" sounded like the constantly beating of a drum inside my nebulous heart. His caliginous eyes were projected on the back of mind, constantly watching inside my witty dreams. My arms started burning, my mind too. I felt like falling into a vortex of stars, his lip's dulcet taste being the only thing that accompanied me on the journey. Was I turning crazy?

Suddenly I felt nothing. The rhapsody ended.

What happened to me?


	8. Chapter 8

Phil's POV:

I was standing beside him, caressing the rather golden hand that was laying calmly on the white sheets. The only sound in the room was the constant blinking of the heart rate monitor, unfortunately the only sound that mattered the most in that moment, besides his coarse breathing.

(FLASHBACK, in the botanical garden)

-Come here, you little liar! I said, pulling him closer to my chest. We stood like this, embracing each other for at least two minutes. I loved him so much I wouldn't let go.

But I should've had, earlier.

He felt like a plastic doll in my hands. His arms were hanging lifeless around his body and his thin like paper eyelids were hiding his mahogany eyes.

-Dan? Dan? I shook him, fear and horror gripping my heart. Come on now, stop fooling around, Dan! I slowly laid him down on the snowy pavement, reaching frantically for my phone. _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_ _Come on, where the hell is it?!_ I couldn't find my phone and I thought I was going crazy.

-Help! I screamed even though I knew we were the only ones here, since the garden was closed.

Finally I found my phone in the pocket from inside my jacket whilst cursing my stupidity. _911, 911. _

I kneeled down beside Dan, crying and shouting at my phone. I didn't even know the address or the name of the garden.

-Hey! Hey you! What are you doing here!? I heard a man shouting. A policeman came running towards me.

-Oh God, please, please help me, I begged.

* * *

The sound of the loud sirens was echoing through my mind, as I watched the silver snowflakes gently fall on his pale face.

-Don't you fucking do this to me, Dan.

-Charge to 200 joules!

-Don't you fucking dare.

-Ready to shock! Clear! Dan's back arched from the stretcher.

-Increase the adrenalin by one measure. Charging, clear! Dan's back arched once again, but he showed no signs of pulse.

-Patient still in arrest! Someone called.

-NO! I screamed, practically shaking Dan's arm like a rag doll. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE HOWELL! I'm telling you, don't you fucking do this!

Suddenly I was being forcefully pushed backwards by some adults as a group of nurses approached Dan's stretcher.

-Increasing the adrenalin, the nurse informed the paramedics.

-We're at maximum dosage, the nurse advised. The doctor nodded grimly and readied the paddles once more, "Charging… clear!" Dan's back arched again. _Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on_, I chanted, trembling from head to foot.

The doctor put down the paddles and pulled out a pen light and a stethoscope. After a few moments of listening to Dan's chest and flashing the light in his eyes the doctors said, "I don't think we can do any more. I'm going to call time of…"

-NO! I screamed. One more time, please, please, one more time!

-I can't…

-Please! I sobbed. Just one more time!

Sighing, the paramedic raised the paddles, "Charge to 200 joules!" The machine whirred and I scrambled backwards, "Ready to shock! Clear!" Dan arched again. Every set of eyes immediately stared at the portable heart monitor. _Come on, come on, come on_, I pleaded. I couldn't even see the green line, my tears blurring my vision too much. Seconds dragged past but nothing changed. All the attendants looked down at their feet.

-NO! I screamed.

-I'm sorry, the doctor said, but I'm calling time of death at…


	9. Chapter 9

-I'm sorry, the paramedic said, but I'm calling time of death at…

_Blip_

The scene froze. Every snowflake stopped in time. I went silent.

_Blip_

Very slowly, every head turned towards the heart monitor.

_Blip_

Five mouths dropped open as the green line rose in a bumpy sin and then fell again. That was impossible. Wasn't it, I thought faintly? Dan's heart just couldn't start on its own? Could it? I had to be hallucinating... too desperate to think logically. I knew I was shaking and crying but I didn't care… I just stared hard at the monitor, moving closer, daring it to beep again.

_Blip_

-No fucking way, the paramedic finally breathed as I went weak at the knees - like someone had just let go of me from a great height.

The three attendant's heads snapped around to gape at the paramedic but he ignored them, scrambling around the stretcher instead to grab the monitor. He stared at it hard, his nose nearly squashed against the screen, "that's fucking impossible!" He said again, shaking his head vehemently.

_Blip_

-Patient has resumed normal sinus rhythm, a nurse announced unnecessarily.

-That is not possible, the doctor said again, refusing to believe what he could hear and see. That is not medically possible. This has to be a joke!

-It's a miracle…somebody whispered.

-It truly is…this boy is a miracle, another nurse whispered.

I slowly approached Dan, my bewildered mind unable to process what just happened. I put my hand on his unbelievably cold forehead, brushing away the little curls that were falling on his closed eyes.

-You…really like terrifying me, I whispered, planting a little kiss on his cheek.

* * *

-Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

The hospitals' automatic doors whooshed open and the paramedics sped the trolley through to the awaiting team of doctors and nurses. The front paramedic passed over the clipboard to the nearest doctor in blue scrubs and announced as they walked:

-We have a 21 year old white male showing symptoms of Endocarditis and myocardial infarction. Blood pressure is 80/50 and slowly rising, respiratory rate 8/60 and rising, body temperature 36.1 and increasing. Although, he has no history of heart complications, the patient suffered a myocardial infarction lasting approximately two minutes, in which he had heart failure. The paramedics witnessed a true miracle, when after approximately 4 minutes of shocking and adrenalin administration, in which nothing happened; the patient has resumed normal sinus rhythm.

-What?! Let's get this patient to the trauma room. I want blood cultures taken for immediate examination and a full biochemical analysis. Schedule an emergency MRI once we have the patient more stable!

I watched as the doctors dressed in blue scrubs rushed Dan into the ICU, leaving me behind with nothing but hope.

-Dan…Dan…why are you doing this to me? I asked myself, feeling another set of salty rivers rushing from my eyes. Why are you doing this, love? Why do you like scaring me so much, every time?

I fell on my knees on the hospitals' white floor, crying from all the shock.

-You must really love that boy, I heard a male voice say, patting me on the shoulder.

-Huh…? I looked up, only to see a boy around my age, dressed in a white coat, carrying a white clipboard under his armpit. Who…? I tried asking.

-You must be tired, come with me, he said, helping me get up from the cold floor. Come and sleep a little, your friend is in good care right now, don't worry. You'll see him after the doctors are done with all this mess, now relax.

I sighted and all I could do was to follow him. He guided me into a room, where a white bed was waiting for me.

As soon as I closed my eyes, a sudden horror gripped my soul.

_You're in the arms of the angel…_

_May you find some comfort here…_

The person I loved the most almost died. Dan…almost _died. _

_Can it be,_

_That you are mine_

_Forever love,_

_And you are watching over me from up above._

* * *

I needed to see him. I longed to see him. And just be with him…beside him.


	10. Chapter 10

(Back in the hospital room, before the flashback)

Phil's POV:

I was standing beside him, caressing the rather golden hand that was laying calmly on the white sheets. The only sound in the room was the constant blinking of the heart rate monitor, unfortunately the only sound that mattered the most in that moment, besides his coarse breathing.

-You truly are a wonder…aren't you? I asked quietly

Lying in that bed, hooked up to those scary machines, pale, unconscious and so damned fragile, Dan looked like a ten-year old. There was a soft beeping noise from the heart monitor and a steady whoosh from the respirator but other than that the room was deathly quiet. The silence freaked me out as much as the sight of Dan on life support did. He was never this quiet – not even in sleep.

Absently I traced my index finger down Dan's arm, quietly fascinated by how soft the skin was and how my action elected Goosebumps in its wake. I couldn't help but do it again. I let my fingers slide right down into the crook of Dan's thumb and smiled as the slim fingers started to curl around mine. It was such a tentative move, almost as sleepy as it felt. Perhaps that's why it took me a few seconds to realize that Dan's fingers weren't supposed to move.

Heart suddenly in my throat, terrified that I was about to get the biggest let down of my life, I slowly dragged my gaze back up my lover's arm, across the shoulder and to his throat. I had to take a steadying breath before looking at Dan's eyes. It seemed to take eons, the air burning in my still chest, but they eventually fluttered. My heart skipped several beats.

-Dan? I whispered, daring to hope.

Dan's eyes fluttered again and I saw a flash of white and mahogany. I nearly face planted from the chair in my haste to press the call button. I frantically rang it several times and then practically threw myself at the bed again, using my elbows to climb up and lever myself over my lover's face.

-Dan? I said again, louder than previously, excitement bubbling furiously in my stomach. Dan's eyes fluttered open to half-mast, almost seeming to register my presence above him, before closing again. I grinned widely and sang. "Dan."

Suddenly, Dan's lips moved as he tried to take a breath through his mouth but the ventilator tube going down into his windpipe prevented it. He started to choke. I sprung backwards in alarm. At that moment, two nurses appeared and I was ushered back towards the door. They fussed over their patient and extracted the breathing tube, which I had to close my eyes at because it was a truly horrible thing to witness. The choking, retching sound Dan made as it was pulled out went straight to my stomach. But, oh my god… Dan was awake! Dan was awake. My heart was thumping wildly and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The emotion was building up in my chest and I knew if I didn't do something soon I was going to burst. The moment the nurses took the tubing away out of the room, I dashed back to the bed, leaning over eagerly.

-Dan?

Dan's eyes fluttered, again and again, until, finally, they opened fully. His pupils were dilated, large and black, like he was drugged up to the eyeballs but they seemed to focus somewhat on me. He looked very weak.

-Phi… he croaked but the sound was caught up in his chords and his throat clicked loudly as he tried to swallow. I realized Dan's mouth must be bone dry what with going almost a day with no fluids given orally. Anna –one of the two nurses that were taking care of Dan- pressed a catch near the pillow and raised the head of the bed until Dan was in a half-seated position. His eyes drooped instantly – clearly fighting to keep awake. At that precise moment, Clarissa -the other nurse- returned with a glass of water with a straw in it. She gave me an appraising look before offering the glass questioningly. I took it from her without hesitation and held the straw up to Dan's lips. Both nurses then left; one announcing she would be back in a few minutes to perform some routine checks and the other saying she was going to inform the doctor Dan was awake. He took a small sip of the water and swallowed thickly. Then he took another. At the very real movement from my lover, I felt every emotion crash down upon me like a punch to the gut. All the fear, pain and agony of the hours rushed through my nerves leaving me practically vibrating with the need to explode in some way. I shakily placed the glass on the bedside table and turned back around only to see Dan staring right back at me, tired and confused.

-Wh… what happened? Am… I in hospital? He croaked, so quietly I had to lean closer to hear.

-You collapsed at the garden, I said softly, almost choking over the words.

-Oh… what's… wrong… with me? Dan swallowed thickly again, his eyes falling closed once more. "… feel awful."

"You've got Endocarditis…though I'm not really sure what it means, but it involves the heart…and…you'd didn't do really good at the garden…you had a myocardial infarction ," I replied, brushing a few strands of Dan's fringe from his eyes.

- 's why my chest hurts? He mumbled, cracking his eyes open again.

-Yeah, I nodded, feeling my throat burn.

Dan's eyes fluttered again before opening wider. He stared at me, all sleepy eyed and beguiling and reached up, looking like it took all his strength, to touch my cheek.

-Are… you… alright?

And I laughed, loud and bitter, letting my head fall forward onto Dan chest as hysteria got the better of me. I did not find it funny in the slightest though. Of all the things Dan was worried about, it was me, when he, himself, was in bleeding intensive care. All the fear, agony and hysteria I'd been feeling these past few hours suddenly erupted in an emotional fury.

-Dan, I snarled, gripping my lover's gown tightly in my fists and shaking him - not even thinking about what I was doing. The fury exploded and I hit Dan's shoulder with my fist… again… and again, swearing a string of curses including 'idiot', 'fuck', 'why' and 'infuriating', wanting to repay back some of the pain he had put me through and was so out of control I couldn't stop myself.

-Ow… Dan whined, Phil! He said it so breathlessly, so weakly but so pleadingly that I stopped instantly. My anger vanished leaving me in complete, undoing relief. It crashed over me like a tidal wave. With a small cry I collapsed onto Dan's chest, burying my face into the warm cotton fabric of his gown.

-Hey? Dan croaked as my face moved up to press into the hot skin of his neck. I closed my eyes, the warmth and smell of Dan's skin was so familiar… and I couldn't hold back any longer, the tears bubbling over.

Dan weakly lifted his hand and pressed it to the back of my head, feeling the warm drips against his neck and my shudders and hitches.

-Phil? He asked softly, are you leaking on me?

I choked as I tried to laugh through my tears and Dan's nimble hand slowly carded through my black hair, slow and sleepy.

-Stop, He murmured, you know I can't handle your tears. That's it, come on, it's not like I died or anything, he said, trying to calm me.

It had the opposite effect as I shuddered; remembering Dan's back arching under the paddles.

-But you did… I wailed.

-Oh…Dan winced…You didn't tell me this…

-And I…

-You what? He asked gently, cupping the back of my head.

-I love you so much. I love you so much Dan…It was all my fault, all mine. I should've taken more care of you. But it seems I can't. I'm so stupid and unworthy of you, I said as he brushed away the tears from my cheeks with his thumb.

-Don't say things like that. You are the most important person from the world for me. If you weren't there, who knows what it could've happened? Please stop crying. I don't like it when you cry.

He suddenly coughed, weak and sore and I remembered just how ill Dan still was and I sat up. I was probably making things a lot harder by leaning my weight on my poorly lover. I ran a hand over my eyes and cheeks; I sniffed and offered Dan a small smile.

-That's better, snowflake, Dan croaked, managing to return the smile.

Clearing my throat, I asked:

-How are you feeling? Honestly? As I brushed some more strands of hair out of Dan's eyes.

-Sick… like really sick and sore. Everything hurts, Dan admitted, closing his eyes.

I leant forward and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

-Sleep then, I said softly.

-Stay? Dan whispered back.

-Not going anywhere, I replied, linking our fingers together. I smiled as Dan's fingers curled around mine before slowly going lax.

No, I thought, I was going nowhere – absolutely nowhere.


	11. Chapter 11

Dan's POV:

They say certain people come into your life for certain reasons; certain things happen for a reason, no one has the right to judge you. They leave footprints on your heart, and then disappear...but that's just how life goes ...experiences, people, hearts, lessons, souls, and tears.

I fell in love with this boy with tar-black hair and with eyes that reflect the infinite depths of oceans. I fell in love with his insecurities, his beautiful immaturity, his constant need to feel loved and appreciated, his overactive tear ducts, his tendency to be too clingy. I feel in love with his troubled past, his hopes and dreams, the way even his eyes smile when he's with me, the way he kisses the back of my neck in the morning. I feel in love with his imperfections and with the fact that he loves me back.

When I'm with him, I'm devoured by love, shaken to the core with joy. When we're together, I see forever and remember what it's like to not only be in love, but to feel loved. Sometimes it scares me to touch such happiness, because I wonder what will happen to me…If one day he'd be gone. I guess I'd never be able to be happy again.

So, yes, my love for him is unconditional, unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and well, strangely beautiful. I loved him so much, like he put the stars in the sky. He was my worst fear, my best fantasy.

* * *

Since I died that one winter night, I moved into a boat. I was floating on calm water, without paddles and without a certain direction, without knowing from where I left and neither where I was going. I didn't know if it was an ocean, a sea or a lake or just in my head, but since then, I felt like losing connection with the shore. I didn't take any compass with me; I didn't have a life buoy, neither a map nor any needs. My only salvation was to love with jejune go-by. It was good here; nothing could touch me, just the wind. And I was laying on my back in God's hands staring and the sky, and my mornings were long and warm and my nights serene and clear. I didn't know where the sky was ending and where the water was starting. It wasn't warm or cold, it wasn't today nor tomorrow, it was good. I would sometimes wake up with my feet hanging in the waves and I loved their symphony on my sun-kissed skin. It was quiet there, I didn't have any dreams. My heart wasn't beating; I'd forget how to breathe too. I was floating in non-reality and I didn't dream anymore, because dreams are worth nothing right now. I didn't even know if I was sleeping, because sometimes, with closed eyes I was reading in the stars and sometimes I was talking with the blue waves. And we'd understand each other, because they didn't wait for any responses. Here words don't mean anything. But when the waves crushed into each other and the grey clouds were choking the sky, I knew he was coming for me, rowing in his gondola, and the rivers of blood in my veins being his only direction. And I knew that he was longing for me, because I could sense the sadness in his voice, when he spoke and made the clouds shiver, making them pour the cold rain on my bare skin. And the hurricane began when he reached out for me, clinging to my hand, angering God and the sea, like he tried to steal one of his angels. When he kissed my hand, his lips were red, hot, leaving a mark on my skin. He looked God in the eyes and whispered my name, pulling me away from this place I thought it was called Heaven. He wrapped me up in a white cloth and carried me back to Earth. He was my salvation. This savior's name was Phil Lester, and he was the person who brought me back to life, who rescued me from the sea of the dead. He defied God, who kept me, my soul, locked in his hands.

When I opened my eyes, he was beside me, crying. He wasn't the brave man who once sailed the sea in my rescue, but he was my world, my Heaven and my soul. He was the one I fell in love with, the only person who could save my heart.


	12. Chapter 12

Dan's POV:

-Back in their apartament, which was magically refurnished-

* * *

It was around 6 am when I felt the first lazy rays of sunshine gently brush on my eyelashes.

A strong arm was softly griping my waist, pulling my body deeper into the embrace.

"I'm so tired" I whispered, rubbing my eyes, trying to finally get up from the bed.

"Go back to sleep", he said with his face buried in my neck, "Sleep is good for you right now".

"I'm tired of sleeping, Phil." I span around in the white sheets of the queen bed so I could look Phil in the eyes. He had very delicately shaped eyes; I thought sleepily, sort of round and pretty – like a girl's. His eyelashes lay so gracefully against the pale skin under his eyes - all dark and slightly feathered. I had an idle wondering of what they would feel like to touch; soft and silky or deceptively brittle like my own? From where I sat, head resting in the crook of my left arm on the bed, I let my eyes lazily trace down the contours of my lover's face and I mused that Phil's features were all very elegantly defined, almost feminine in a way. If it wasn't for the faint outline of fine stubble, it might have been hard to distinguish whether he was actually a guy or a girl. You could hardly even call it stubble either… it was that light and soft… Either way, Phil was quite pretty, which was a weird word to describe a guy… but… it was kind of true. The longer hair he sported now, nearly the same length and style as he'd had when I first met him, did nothing to help him look more masculine. Even his hands were femininely elegant, with long tapered fingers and short, well-manicured nails.

"I want to do something today" I said, looking at him with a poutty face, begging him to take me somewhere.

"You can't, Dan, the doctor said you can't go outside for at least 2 weeks." He answered. "Don't make that face, you little puppy, you know I can't resist it."

"Then do something. Love me. Touch me." I whispered as I pinned him down on the bed, climbing on him, my thighs framing his torso. I let my fingers cup his chin and make him look up, his eyes opening slightly as my lips pressed against his and lingered. His body began shaking slightly as I pressed closer to him, trapping him between my solid frame and the mattress as my wet tongue licked his bottom lip and forced his mouth open, fighting with his own tongue in his warm mouth. My hands were in his hair, gripping tight, pulling him impossibly close. "I want you to show me every twisted, frightened thought you've ever had. I want your eyes to crack my bones. I want your words to tear my skin apart. I want you. Right. Now." I said, gasping for air through our kisses. His lips were like wine and I wanted to get drunk.

He suddenly grabbed me from behind, twisting me in a way that made him the one on top. I suddenly had this desire for every inch of him, for the smell of his breath on my needing lips, for the taste of him under the covers and for his voice rummaging through every vein in my body. He caught my lips in another lingering kiss and I tangled my hands back into Phil's hair and kissed him hard, slipping my tongue into his warm, wet mouth. Then he pulled away and started to kiss down my throat. I groaned happily and tilted my head up, giving the older boy better access. Phil paused at my collarbone and nipped the skin there affectionately before smirking and sucking hard. My back arched off the bed in pleasure. I scrabbled at Phil's back trying to get him to stay there and do it again but he had other plans. He started to kiss down my chest and I couldn't help thinking smugly, '_He's only mine_ '. I felt Phil pause in his kissing and tilted my head forward, looking down to see why. Phil was staring at my left pec. Then, slowly, he looked up, catching my gaze. His eyes were shining so bright and, as slowly as he'd looked up to meet my eyes; he leaned down and pressed a feathery, soft kiss against my heart. I bit my lip and felt my eyes prickle at the sheer amount of love and adoration in the gesture. A wave of intense love for the young man above me hit me so hard in the chest I could barely breathe and I entreated, "Phil," as I sat up. I took his face in my hands, my thumbs rubbing circles on the handsome cheeks and I leaned in to press a gentle kiss to my lover's lips. When I pulled back I rubbed our noses together affectionately and grinned as Phil's face lit up in a brilliant smile.

"I love you," I said and welcomed Phil's return kisses.

"I love you to," he replied sweetly, almost purring. "Now, lie back down so I can finish making you feel good."

I chuckled and thumbed Phil's cheeks again, "Only if I can make you feel good too."

"Deal."

Phil resumed by kissing down my sternum and cheekily licking at the indent of my first ab. He then traced the contours of the soft six pack -I managed to obtain with the help of my personal trainer- with his tongue making me giggle. He held my hips down as he ran his mouth downwards to the light happy trail leading down under the pajama pants. He took a few hairs between his teeth and looked up, tugging the hairs gently. I gasped and arched, need and want suddenly burning desperately in my soul. Phil sat back and put his hands on the margin of the pants. He pressed another kiss to my abs as he lowered the pants with care. He pulled at the trousers until they slipped down and I raised my bum off the bed so that Phil could slide the garment right off my feet. We'd seen each other in boxers thousands of times, we'd seen each other naked just as much and yet there was something completely new and rousing about this moment. As he started to lean back down, I reached for him,

"Come here," I entreated.

Phil did and we kissed again. I wrapped my arms around the young man and rolled. Phil rolled with me and landed on his back, quite close to the edge of the bed, with me grinning down at him.

"Very clever," He rumbled affectionately, running his fingers through my hair. "Now what are you going to do?"

I smiled and leaned in to start pressing kisses down Phil's neck and chest until I reached the edge of Phil's jeans also wondering why he slept with his jeans on. I glanced up, meeting Phil's hooded eyes and smirked. Very deliberately, making sure he was watching, I lowered my mouth until my teeth bit down on the tab, then I tugged sharply and the top button popped through the hole. Phil gasped and threw his head backwards, jerking his hips. I then took the zipper carefully between my front teeth and drew it down slowly – loving the desperate sound Phil made. I took a hold of the jeans and tugged them down off Phil's long legs. As I did I saw the pink scar of a puncture wound on Phil's right thigh. It was the first time I had ever seen it and I instinctively bent down to place a gentle kiss on the scarred flesh. I felt Phil shudder and smiled. Then I slid back up, so that I was hovering over the young man, staring down into his face. I pressed a quick kiss to Phil's lips before murmuring, "I love you so much."

"Me too" Phil replied softly, stretching up to steal another kiss from my mouth. "Dan?"

"Mmm?" I lay down and nuzzled into the hollow of his throat.

"I'm uh…" Phil hesitated, "not… uh… really sure where to go from here."

"Me either" I said as I yawned, suddenly feeling sleepy. "Thank you…Phil…" I whispered as I fell asleep on his chest.

"Sleep tight, love." I heard him say before pressing a soft kiss on my cheek. "I told you, you should've got back to sleep, stubborn boy."


	13. Chapter 13

Dan's POV:

Let me tell you a little about myself.

From a lot of points of view I'm not the person you would like to have around. I'm not like the quiet Sunday morning in which the sun makes its way shyly into your bedroom, with rays that pierce through the window like golden swords and I don't always have the French perfume of croissants with butter, of coffee or happiness. Most times I'm like the whimsical autumn afternoons, when you lay in your bed with the windows wide open and the sounds drain around you and the rain drops have meet with the ground. If I was a fragrance, I would be the rain. I'm neither the highly expected first day of spring nor a warm day of summer. I'm more likely a forgotten door, open in the middle of the winter, when the frost outside freezes your breath, I'm like the mornings when you stay awake until 4 a.m. and like the mornings that come too fast. My sadness comes at once with the seasons. And my anxiety too, just like my moments of loneliness. I'm not like the sun and I don't bring happiness everywhere I go, I'm selfish, I'm more like questions rather than answers. Inevitably, for me, my answers become questions, solutions bring problems. I'm annoyingly ordered, concise, accurate with thoughts and feelings, but I am also chaotic, rational or illogical. I am and I am not quiet. I am and I am not me. It'd be improper to say I am me, when I don't actually know how I am. I am not the long mornings when you can snooze in the bed, but rather the alarm that roughly tears you away from the dream's arms, like the days when the weather outside gives you all the reasons to be happy, but you're not. I was given a lot; it would be unfair to say that I'm not pleased. I beg for stability, but I have no track of continuity inside me, I loose myself from thought to word, from an idea to another, like an undecided day of autumn. I write about autumn in the middle of spring because that's how I feel. I like my confusion sometimes and I don't wish to be defined. I always imagined myself in the form of a small town, like a tinder-box, crossed by narrow, dark streets on witch souls with sadness plastered on their faces walk, a stain on the map of the world, fallen in dehumanization under the weight of a grey sky. I often walk on the streets of my soul, but today I'm serene, like a colorful metropolis flickering with life. I'm like the weather. I'm too far away from what I actually wished to be.

When I first meet Phil, I didn't love him. Not even a bit. I was asking myself all the time if I loathed him because I was seeing in him everything I hated about me. I had moments in which I was thinking with horror that I was sick of his childishness and insecurity, of the hard need of knowing that there was nobody else for me but him, that I was breathing him through all my pores, that he was the water and air for my body and soul. It was vital for him to know that he was the sense of my life, and even if I swore on my blood that it was true, he wouldn't believe me. I was often finding myself questioning what I was doing there and, mostly, why I couldn't leave. Right in the moments when he was looking for safety, when he needed me more than anything else, I was warding him off. I was laughing and telling him: "Go, you are free!", I was telling him to leave, knowing that he wouldn't. I always rather preferred to slap him two times, to put a knife against his neck or gun against his head than too throw before him how little he meant for me. Then, everything collapsed around him, he was standing inertly looking in the void, I was seeing him disconnected from reality just like a man in clinical death. I was seeing that he suffered and I knew that right in that moment, he was mine more than ever. He was mine more than ever and that's when I felt that I loved him less.

We were both prisoners voluntarily in a world in which we were consuming one another, where we were testing each other's the limits of support without stopping only when one of us had no more power to get himself off the ground. And that's when the winner was in place to give the fatal hit, he never did it. We disliked the victory when one of us was worn out of power, on the edge of the cliff, so I always helped him to get up and I'd always take care of his wounds. If I'd criticize him, telling him how much he hurt me, he'd answer breezy that a person could make you happy only if he'd make you suffer; that if I wanted the supreme happiness, I should take the risk of the supreme suffering. That was what he was telling me before putting me on the ground and when the child that was sure of himself that he once was, a puppet in my hands, transformed in the most fiercely tyrant. Sometimes he was collapsing me with just one word or simply with his silence, the silence always was his best ally. And I always preferred that he would hit me with a word or two, that he would look down on me, than to leave me with his silence. Because regardless of what they would express, his words were always screaming loud: "I care!", while the silence meant nothing. The silence was a gap with no end, a void, in silence you remain only with yourself in darkness and with infinite possibilities to fill up the pit. And this is terrible. When I finally gave up he would look at me triumphantly: "It's your turn now, hit me as hard as you can." And that's when I hit him: "I love you." And I watched him as he fell to the ground, watched as he cried, watched as he jumped in my arms. And that's when I was truly happy, when I won the right to be loved, because I finally admitted the thoughts that were gripping my heart.


	14. Chapter 14

_Depression_.

Phil's POV:

He cried like a child today in my arms.

He was dejected, tired, there was no need for words, because the look in his eyes said it all. We stayed like this, without talking, without thinking, without even breathing; I was only pulling him closer to me, caressing the back of his neck and his silky curls. I looked in his glassy eyes and I felt like giving him all the Milky Way just to get back the sparkle inside this mahogany void. He once told me that all the nights were the same for him, he didn't want to move, to sleep or to get out of the shower and his dearest companions were the words forming so quickly in his mind that he couldn't keep up. He said that every night the showers got hotter and longer, and that one day his flesh would melt off and I'll find him a collapsed skeleton waiting for me to pull him out of the drain.

"_I don't want to die_." He once whispered to me, while I was holding him in my arms. I shushed him up and said that everything would be fine and thought that if he'd let me, I'd treat him like the sky. I'd join up all his insecurities and bundle all his flaws. I'd create a new constellation and search for it endlessly. And I knew that since he got out from the hospital he locked himself inside his mind, and I knew he fell on the ground, not being able to push himself back up alone, and I was too stupid to figure it out earlier. And I knew he didn't see himself like I saw him anymore. And he argued with me when I called him beautiful. And I said that all the things he couldn't stand about himself were all the things I couldn't go a day without. And I thought that if he'd let me, I'd build an observatory just to show him that all the stars will never shine as bright as him.

But he didn't let me. He used to say nothing at all, but simply stare upward into the dark sky and watch, with sad eyes, the slow dance of infinite stars. He was silent but he was clinging to me like the last breath he would breathe. And he always fell asleep pasted to me. And I tried all my best to become his air when he was drowning, his warmth in the cold and his light in the darkness. I would give all my love to him just to keep him warm, I would set my soul on fire just to make him feel the heat of my love, and I'd always rather choose to loose myself than to feel like losing him. All I was wishing for was to not see him like that anymore; to not see the new and fresh cuts on his wrists. And when I looked at him I swear that I believed with naivety that only the warmth of his body could break the cold border between our worlds, like just a ray of sun could ever melt a mountain of ice. But his warmth was no longer there. If he hadn't been so drained, so drained of power, so cold, if he could've stripped away from the past even for a moment and believe me that everything was fine inside him, with his heart, I could show him how beautiful the present would be beside me. Sometimes I felt him so cold I wanted to shake him, to agitate the soul inside him, maybe this was the only way to bring him back to life.

And I often said to him to not be afraid, and it was only now that I realized how stupid that was. Don't be afraid. Like saying "don't move out of the way when someone tries to punch you" or "don't flinch at the heat of fire" or "don't blink". Don't be human. Dan was human and he had all the rights to be afraid. But I knew there was nothing to be scared about, and I knew that this was just a phase that it would eventually pass. And it finally did. He cried less and less, and I could barely see the little sparkles in his eyes, but they were there. And I pushed myself to not tear up when he finally said:

"Hey Phil, I love you and I will love you until I die, and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then. So from now, let's live. And if I were to live a thousand years, I would belong to you for all of them. If we were to live a thousand lives, I would want to make you mine in each one. My heart beats your name because it's your love that runs through my veins. And I thank you for that, thank you so much. I'm so lucky to be yours, I don't know who can handle me like you do."


End file.
